To quote one of my favorite movies, lately I’ve been feeling a bit like “Butter spread over too much bread”. Life is busy. I am weary. I struggle sometimes to keep my perspective right and rejoice over all I have.
Do you ever feel like you are struggling and struggling and you only move backward? Do the days seem endless and your strength the opposite? At times like this I feel like a failure; like I’m failing those around me, but worse, I’m failing God. I start to believe I’m far from Him. I’m not making time for the spiritual, and thus must be backsliding, a spiritual lightweight, or incapable of truly connecting with The Father.
If I had hours to pour out my heart in prayer, long sessions of intimate worship, deep Bible studies to build my faith… THEN I’d be close to God.
But sometimes, I get a glimpse of a different paradigm. A glimpse into what it might really mean to be close to God. And most of me is starting to believe this is the truth, not what I have been led to believe for years.
God is in the weariness. God meets me and grows me in my exhaustion. He breathes his heart into me when I pour out one more hour of effort for someone else, when all I want to do is curl up in bed with a book, or a movie and have a moment for me. He’s there when I bend over my keyboard in tears because I just can’t do one more thing, bear one more responsibility, fix one more problem.
I think I’ve really grown when living the real. When theory blows up in reality. When heartbreak fuels discovery and healing.
That is where God is. And though it is not easy, and I often still want to curl up and hide… that’s where I want to be.
Unlikely Warrior 